Johanna S. (johannas) wrote,
Johanna S.

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CRISIS - again..

Here’s something I posted to the Quarterlife Crisis- website forums today – slightly amended.

Today I’m 26. Lovely it is not. To quote ‘Black Books’ – ‘up with this I will not put’.

Around 25th birthday I went through a very bad patch – in a ‘proper’ job in finance, the first one of my old University friends to do so. Away in a lovely city. Not knowing what the hell was going on or what I was really wanting to do, what I wanted to be.
After realizing that I passionately hated the job, I quit the damn thing, and trained to work with prisoners. 9 months I’ve spent realizing that ‘Oz’ was a very accurate description of the life of prisoners’ (and seeing a colleague of mine get ‘shanked’ in front of my eyes) has been hard, but good – better that working as a broker and being miserable. Sure, the management in my company is incompetent and we act so under-resourced that it’s dangerous to go to work at times, but I guess that element of danger is what I like. The ‘unusuality’ of it all.

I’ve done a few things in my life from moving to another country, studying, being in the army, getting over my bloody irritating shyness. It’s not enough for me, but it’s been enough for now. I’m looking into doing a master’s degree/PhD eventually, getting further in my long-term career plan. Yeah, I’m still chronically single, but apparently that’s because I’m such a scary female, *lol*!
Being 25 was a big time for me, in regards to growing, becoming what I am today. A good age, in the end!

However, a week ago I had a class reunion (something I’ve mentioned before). My ‘lovely’ old classmates were there , all talking about their family and stable lives – something I don’t have, and really don’t want to have. I was quite shocked by it all – the people hadn’t really changed from school, yet I felt that I was such a different person.
We were discussing about the next class re-union in 10 years time, and boy has that thought launched a severe attack of QLC in me. What is it that I can do in 10 years that will strike them all dumb, impress them, ‘beat’ them?

I guess at the moment I’m in a situation where I really don’t know what I want right now. In the long term…yeah, I know where I want to be and how to get there. But I have realized that my life revolves around work too much. I’m 26, my old friends are raising their family and settling down on careers. Even though it’s not what I want to do, it makes me think I’m missing something. Something that’s different, but similar when it comes to the ‘value’ of things for me.

I feel stuck. I’m working, going home, going to the gym, sleeping. I have control over my life, yet it’s not going where I want it to be right now. I slave under incompetent leadership, and can’t enjoy the moment. I resent the fact that I have to ‘behave’, yet the one thing that grates my nerves is the constant stupidity of the people I work it.
I feel like how I represent myself doesn’t match who I am inside, how I behave isn’t really what I am. I don’t look like I feel I ought to look to fit into what I am – something that I am able to achieve if I put my mind to it (and stop dyeing my hair in weird colours, he he ). My image doesn’t fit!

The problem is – I don’t really know who I am. Not anymore. I don’t know what I want from relationships, from my personal life.

Career-wise, it’s all clear. I know the career options I have. The path I want to take, I’m looking into doing post-graduate studies to get career opportunities. My fucking like is my fucking career and vice versa. It’s all been that, for as long as I can remember.

Personal life – I don’t know. I am slowly approaching a point where I think I would like a relationship – but with who, I don’t know. I’ve had a semi-close relationship with someone for a while now. During this holiday I’ve realized that it will never work, and I don’t want it to move anywhere nearer to anything more serious. Au contraire, I want to act cool around this person, to make sure they know I don’t give a fuck about what they’re doing. I’m sick of having to approve everything this person does, of giving opinions, of disapproving, advising and telling them how to do things.
I want a relationship where I can be myself without feeling suffocated. I want to be with someone just because I want to and they want to – no obligations, no dependance’.

So – at 26, I solemnly swear that I will become the person I think I am. I will change my image, how I do things, how I see things. Discipline will be my middle name – I will succeed.
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