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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Johanna S.'s LiveJournal:

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Monday, January 2nd, 2006
8:52 pm
Resolutions and randomness
New year resolutions for 2006:

- Stop eating like a teenager, meaning eating all the stuff I eat because I can!
- Join the gym near the house and start going there. Then on days off go to the posh gym I’m already a member of and pose :-P.
- Start running. The easiest way to get fit. And because it’s the one form of exercise I really hate, starting it would be really impressive!
- Buy a nice pair of high-heeled shoes and start using them again. I’ve been on flats since I was 18 after a good year spent on 3-inch heels. Time to regain that height!
- Tweak personal style. Work = uniform. Been seeing too many pictures of Dita von Teese and Immodesty Blaize – need to wear girly clothes again :-P.
- Learn to speak French again. Maybe a trip to gay Paris looms ahead on my birthday.
- Stop rolling my eyes at friends who have babies. Their choice.
- Find a work/life balance. Find a better job.
- Start having more fun!


So, there it is. My plans for self-improvement for the year 2006.

At the start of this year, I feel different. I know that I might get into the job of my dreams this year. I have more drunken volunteering-related nights ahead.

I’m planning to regain my ‘pervy’ self this year and have some serious fun. I’m already establishing some new networks, seeking out new horizons.

I’ve been on holiday for a good 2,5 weeks now, and will be returning to my ‘own life’ on Saturday. Hopefully I’ll manage to work out my job shifts so that I will have some life outside work. And hopefully somewhere where I can avoid bumping into our supervisors, who are seriously beginning to piss me off. Bastards. I don’t know why I feel so uncomfortable with a few of them, but I do.
I know things are so much better than in my old job. But I feel so fucking bored doing it! Oh well, only a few months to go – I’m giving myself a deadline for a new job application. It’s been indicated that I might start at the cops in April. That’s my deadline. Get some transferable skills & some career contacts in the next three months, then get the hell out! Whether it’s going to be the police or some temping gig, mark my words, I shall leave!

Oh, I dunno. I have 50 e-mails to send out today, a CV to write and to put at some language recruitment websites. Have to update my diary, too. It’s time for my TV addiction, ‘Pimp My Ride’, before all that, though!

Current Mood: okay
Saturday, December 31st, 2005
3:43 pm
Over and out!
Another year coming to an end.

Haven’t updated the blog for a while – work, with its 13 hour shifts and insane commuting, has made that a downright impossibility. But here I am, on a holiday for another 1,5 weeks. Thanks God for that.

Not completely sure about what I think about work. Security was fine for me when I graduated, but returning to it hasn’t been easy. I feel like I’m finally ready for a job that demands more dedication and more brainwork. Yeah, I’m still lined up for the police next year (April the earliest?), but keep thinking, ‘should I get a ‘proper’ job in the mean time?’.
The boss has lined up a site for me where I’d only work two shifts, 07.00-15.00 or 15.00-23.00. That’d give me plenty of time to go to the gym, to have a life outside the job. Yeah, the money will not be as good as before, but I have to get my work-life balance right – and stop having to commute to work in a cigarette-smoke filled car (a hell of a lot of the supervisors smoke, which does my head in, having stopped smoking quite a while back myself).

Anyway, 2006 looms ahead. Lots of changes ahead.
Just got a text from one of my old friends saying that she’ll have a c-section on the 3rd, finally becoming a mother. Good for her, but most certainly not something for me. I just had a family dinner where my aunt made a comment that ‘you never know, you might have a baby next year’. I nearly choked on my coffee. When I said that bloody never going to happen, my cousin made a comment that ‘what, you can’t find a suitable father candidate?’. Get real – just because she pops them out like there’s no tomorrow….
That’s what bugs me. The assumption that because you’re a female, you just want to breed like a rabbit. Come on. Who knows, one might be infertile? It’s so bloody simple for people who want kids, can have kids and have kids. Like my aforementioned friend, she’s been told she won’t have kids, had IVF, miscarried a few times, before the IVF finally working, and she’s only 26. Life, for some of us, isn’t simple.

Myself, well, work obviously comes first. I still haven’t told anyone in my family aside my parents that I have passed the police entry examinations. If I’d told the rest of my relatives that I have a 2 year probationary period to deal with after getting in, they might realize that for me, a family isn’t something that I think about. Besides, when I was in the army I promised my old sarge that I wouldn’t have kids before turning 30. That’s the promise I’ll keep. In all fairness, after watching ‘Supernanny’ I doubt I’ll ever want kids, anyway…

See, once again, kid-related whinings. Damn, I’m going to have to stop going to any places where I’m likely to see my relatives.

2006. I’ve no real idea on what’ll happen in my life. I’ll start the year off with putting clear rules to the company about what I’ll do, work-wise. If I get that ‘short-shift site’ I’ll be happy. That’ll tie me over for a short while, for a few months anyway. Give me time to go to the gym and to sort my priorities out. Find out about what the hell is going on.

The one thing I’ll definitely try to do is to finally use any skills I’ve gotten from business college in my volunteering. That, is I have to find a new job, I’m going to be able to transfer those experiences as ‘transferable skills’. I quite fancy also getting involved in some media stuff. Like doing an unpaid traineeship in a radio, just watching how the news-side gathers information (typical politics graduate). I’d love to work in a court again, though – not as a custody officer, though!

Current Mood: cheerful
Saturday, October 29th, 2005
10:45 am
I ought to be moving..
Still three bags to go to my new flat - most of the stuff's in already. Have spent yesterday getting friendly with my flatmates cat, Cosmo and getting pissed off at the company that I worked before.

Yes, I have been screwed over buy the company even after leaving it; the fuckers owe me half month's wages - I only got £100. Hence, after paying all my bills (after a lot of twiddling with my credit cards - taking money out, putting it in to an account) I will have no money left. I have called upon the parents to help me, and they will, bless them. if I start work with the company I'm employed now, I will get paid around the 9th of December. Damn - looks like a panicky Chrimbo shopping spree is a real possibility. I will, after getting paid, have a week left before I go home for hols to do my shopping..eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkk!

So the next six weeks will be a real test - I'm actually conducting an experiment. Since I ave a gym membership already, I will see how much of my body mass I will lose in 1,5 months if I train like mad, eat only porridge and drink coffee. An odd note is that I have gone down a whole dress size in October..

But anyway, that's how I intellectualize it all - it's not about me not having money, it's a socio-physical experiment. I migth even write a book about it - or a journal on the web.

I'll do some serious chilling out tomorrow, and on monday it's a morning on the phone for me, trying to gt money out of the Inland Revenue and some clue regarding work.

Current Mood: contemplative
Tuesday, October 25th, 2005
11:01 am
Does it ever NOT rain in Liverpool?
Hmm, soaked again. I thought I'd managed to avoid it today by taking the bus. When I was in Starbucks drinking my usual huge latte and eating a muffin, it was actually looking like it was about to clear.

Did it f***? I was making my way to the Tate, and the downpour started. I decided to head back here to the shopping centre to update the journal and to pop into the shops to see if I can actually find a showerproof winder coat. My current 'not-posh' coat just soaks up the rain, which is not funny the slightest. I might start thinking 'layers' instead of getting a thick jacket. Besides, this is England, how bloody cold can it get here, honestly? [Author's note: Whilst I admit that it can get cool here in the UK, after having grown up in Scandinavia where I was kicked out to do work when it was -35 degrees celcius, I find it slightly amusing that people complain that it's 'baltic'. I do get chilly myself, though, and am not pretending to be superhuman. It's just that the local temperatures are..well..quite warm, actually]

Still not working - might start to do something about it this week. Then again, I'm moving houses over the weekend..so might be better to schedule it all to next week. SEe! Any excuse..

Finished the volunteering course, passed the assessment and am heading off to do some volunteering stuff today. Fantastic, can't wait! Gives me something to do with my days, and in the future, my days off.

Current Mood: blah
Monday, October 17th, 2005
10:57 am
Monday, monday, what a dull day
Recovering from the busiest weekend in Liverpool so far. have had three days of training regardring volunteering - practical drills, clinical information, heavy studying. We have a nice group and have a laugh togteher, which has been so great. Being the new kid in the city can be a bit daunting, so it's been cool to be able to just talk to people and have a laugh - enjoy some decent, intelligent company.

Work-wise, I still don't know what the hell's going on. I spoke to the company that interviewed me to the other job, and they said that'd still be interviewing on the Friday, and would let me know after all of it was done. So, here's hoping I'd have all done and dusted this week - maybe get a training date or something..as the supervising officer said, it's been a pain, trying to get people to do the job..hopefully I'm in there. I don't really mind working for the company I'm supposed to work for, but I'd have to travel a hell of a long journey to get to work. Not too keen on that. if I'll end up doing 12 hours shifts, the last thing I need is a few hours on top of that to get me to and from work.
I'm supposed to get some wages off from the old company next week, so financially I'm not too bad at the moment. Of course, I will need to finance my life soon, so shoudl really think about work..but can't be arsed. Hmm, feels like it'd be a good time to phone the Inland revenue and ask about that tax return I'm due..want to get rid of my credit card bills!

Sometime this week, probably over the weekend, I'm going to have to start moving my stuff to my new house. I'll probably move fully and officially next sunday - can't wait! I just feel like the current flat's somehow 'suspicious' - too many people, too noisy (a killer if you work in shifts), too 'dodgy'..I just feel like I'm sleeping there and that's it. I just don't feel comfortable, which has a lot to do with my landlords tendency to poke his nose into my business. I might have a blog, but it doesn't mean I want to tell him every details about my work. He just pisses me off with all those questions..the bastard.

Today, well, I don't really know what to do. I'm trying to start writing again - I've had a character ready and raring to go for quite while now, and have just been advised to just write and see where it goes, see where that character takes me. I'm quite tempted to go to the library and just get cracking with it for now - now's as good as a time as ever.

On the home front, my cousin's just had a her second son yesterday. What is it with everyone being pregnant - out of my three best friends from school, tow are now expecting and are going on maternity leave soon. I feel pretty 'immature' with all these people starting families, even though I know myself and my job, my career, my possible future studies are my priority. I don't feel any less worthy of a human being for not thinking af having a family right this minute, but I do feel like everyone around me who's dealing with this, is being awfully mature. I mean, you have a raise a kid and support if for years. I mean, what the hell, when did my friends who were a complete bunch of irresponsible people while in school get to this point without me noticing it? And the big question is, are they really mature enough to have kids.
Not that I'm saying that they aren't. But..how do they know?

I just don't get it. I mean yeah, I've always thought that I'd probably want kids in the future. But at 26? Yeah, my mum had be around that age, but I think there's still time to have children and to raise a family, and still some stuff to be done, some adventures to be had. I've even planned a careerbreak in the future to revolv around my future studies (which I will do, promise) - who has time for kids when they're busy being selfish :-D. Mind you, this rant will probably mean that in a years' time I'm married with a kid..

Current Mood: thoughtful
Tuesday, October 11th, 2005
11:32 am
Out, damned cold
So, now I'm down with the cold. Bloody great timing, as tomorrow I'm due to start work. The co-ordinator will phone me and then we'll get something sorted out for me. I suspect I have to leg it to the office to pick up my uniform tomorrow anyway..oh well. if only I'd get a permanent night shift, then I'd be happy as hell. However, the company's threatening me with a gig in Aintree..if only the other company'd get back at me with this other job, then I'd be so bloody sorted.

I got some gossip from my old comrade at work; seems like all the good stuff's happened straight after I left. Damn them :-P! I vaguely miss work, but think I'll be fine as soon as I get cracking with my own job. Besides, I'll see the buggers in December - that is, if they are there at all..

Hmm..not much else to say at the moment. Need to pop into the shop and get a nice chicken pasty, then it's off to Starbucks for some venti latte.

Current Mood: sick
Monday, October 10th, 2005
11:44 am
The sun is out!
Just been at the offices of the company I was supposed to start working for last week. Looks like I'm gonna start working for them on Wednesday - floating officer first, then apparently it's off to Aintree for me. That is, unless that other company I had an interview with will have me. If they do, then that's my priority - a site near to where I live would make my life so much easier - no buses to work, the ability to instantly be availale for covering for colleagues'..

Anyway, I've been spending a deep and meaningful weekend with the series 2 of 'the Shield'. Damn, I want to be, and will be, Vic Mackey when I grow up and become a police officer!Good cop and bad cop have left for the day. I'm a different kind of cop.

I did manage to leave the house and go to the Tate to try and get some artistic isnpiration. Stared and an installation and a painting by Mondrian, and decided that I need to get back to drawing ASAP.

Not a lot to say. This journal certainly isn't as 'exciting' as my old DeadJournal, but those days are over now. No more random student-y drunken rampages around Wales for me.
Friday, October 7th, 2005
9:43 am
I am so bored with my life
Yesterday I had a job interview, which went well. The boss said that it's been a struggle to hire people to do the job, and he sees no reason why I shouldn't get the job. I might get shipped to Manchester to do the training, staying in a hotel - bring it on! I'd love a few days in Manchester - I could roam in Canal Street one night, have a bath, watch come decent sized TV for a change..

At this very moment I'm just bored. I have to go to the gym for a quick session, the run to the office of the company that was supposed to hire me, the go home to drop stuff off (or maybe not - I might not bother with that) - I'll be extremely busy. yet I tetchy at the moment. I still don't know people, and don't want to stay at the flat because there's nowt much to do.
I just want to get cleared for this job, to start work ASAP,move to the new flat, start volunteering, get my life sorted out and move on. I should probably relish this time that I have off, but in reality, sitting about is not nice. Even though I have this new job pretty much solved, and another one 'at the backburner', I feel anxious. Once I start, it'll all be good. Learning the ropes to a new job, especially a shift job, will do me good and keep me occupied.. Sure, the first weeks' are gonna be murder, with me having to travel to-and-from work a good few hours - that on top of a 12 hour shift. But once I move nearer and can start walking to work.

I don't know... I miss the daily grind of living in Scotland. Going to work, bitching about it in the pub later on, fighting with the guys I worked with, chatting to the flatmates.. I'm not all hysterical about it, but I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I feel different, maybe because of the stuff I'm planning to do while I'm here..a bit unsure,yet at the same time very confident. In the past few years, after graduation and holding down jobs, paying the bills, making hard decisions about leaving place and people behind, I feel like I've grown up quite a lot. I feel different, yet at the moment I feel like I'm more that a little bit confused about things. What the hell is supposed to happen now?

Current Mood: discontent
Monday, October 3rd, 2005
6:34 am
Here I am, in Liverpool
Completely lost and slightly bewildered. Turns out the company I was going to work for has fucked up all my paperwork, which will apparently turn up to the LIverpool office sometimes this week. After that they can decide what the hell to do with me. Well, my old job still owes me money, and I have some left of my credit card, so I should manage until everything gets sorted out.

Might move houses, too. I got bitten this morning by my landlords dog, and I'd definitely prefer to live in a smaller flat somewhere nearer to the centre of the town. I'm not too keen on being savaged by random dogs..

Anyway, I got a lead about a flat with two cats, which sound lovely. I'll try to get a viewing, and I've todl the gils I could pay the deposit this month and mocve in the next month. I want a long-term place, and something that's not too 'seedy' and can be easily approved by the police..

Current Mood: confused
Sunday, September 18th, 2005
2:41 am
I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE *gestures at the neck*!!!
I finally have a credit card. All's good, and I'm trying to book my flights home. However, my bloody travel agentys website is slow, and keeps timing me out - I can't complete my transaction, I can't pay my flight, I'm bloody angry and frastrated at the moment. I'm stressed out as it is - I don't want to go to the travel agents, as they'll completely screw me over and make me pay a hell of a lot more that I ought to. Besides, I haven't got mu PIN number yet, so I can't even go there and pay up. I'm so bloody annoyed.

Rrrrrrrrrrh, I'm so angry. This is the last thing I need at the moment - I'm strung out at work because everything that can go wrong is going wrong at the moment. The people we ought to have are late, their lawyers are going mental, my colleagues either bog off and won't help or then barge in and invade my space, take over my job and get me pissed off..The only thing that's good about work is the fact that I know I'm going.

Anyway, two weeks from today I'll be starting off my new fabulous life in England. I can't decide whether I'm looking forward to it or not - at this very moment I'm mentally too exhausted to even think about it. I'm sure the reality will eventually hit me square in the face and I'll either tell people here exactly where to stick it, or completely break down and refuse to go. It's one or the other.

Hmm..two weeks. That's the time I have to make amends of all the bad things I've done in Scotland :-D and to pack.

Current Mood: infuriated
Sunday, September 4th, 2005
8:58 pm
The night darkens..
The big end-of-the festival- fireworks are about to light up the sky in Edinburgh. All is good in the world - I've seen my 'Emmerdale', I have a flat, the Inland Revenue has told me they owe me quite an amount of money, I have a fencing class booked in Liverpool, my supervisor is off and my manager is on holiday and won't be harrassing us for 1,5 weeks...life is good and serene.

But on this wine-dark night, it's also melancholy. I just had a e-mail from someone who wrote about her shell, her need to fall madly in love. And I realized that time has arrived for me, too. I've avoided tose feelings for over a year after an unrequited love that went completely sour and made me hang my head in shame for months. But now, now I remember my times as a student, when there was always something romantic going on, someone to make me smile around.

Maybe, in these past years I've spent here in Scotland, I have spent too much time thinking about how to be a responsible adult - work, pay the bills etc - and haven't thought much about the fun, yet hard, side of adulthood. A responsible solid relationship.

maybe it's time to grow up in that way, too.

Current Mood: mellow
Saturday, August 27th, 2005
4:19 am
Stress strikes again
I have just booked my bus to Liverpool for the 1st of October. I'm trying to sort out flights to get back home for Christmas - sadly I'm too skint to actually pay for a flight at the moment. What I might do is either toddle to the brach of the travel agents and book a flight today, paying for the deposit, then re-assess the situation later on (ie depending on how much the parents are able/willing to help out)...
Hell, the travel agents' is open until 5 PM today anyway, so I should have sufficient time to go and sort all of this put.

Work is still as annoying as ever. Even putting in my resignations just seems to have aggravated my feelings of stress. There's so much to do - I have to sort out my employment for Liverpool ( which isn't really a problem at the moment, to be fair!), re-adjust to the idea of leaving to a new city once again, of making new friends, of answering the question ' how the hell am I going to move all my stuff, anyway!!', dropping my old friends, finding a new watering hole..

It's all a bit too much at the moment, to be fair.

Current Mood: hyper
Sunday, August 21st, 2005
8:05 pm
Nighty night
It's raining poutside, and I'm feeling crap. Just a general crappiness brought on by the weekend.

My flatmate's now bought a house, which makes my leaving a matter that's more pressing than ever. Will I go now, or will I wait until November? My other flatmate will be staying until Christamas, which is good - atleast I won't be in a mad rush to leave anywhere. Still, my job is a complete pain due to a new supervisor starting, and I'm fed up with things being the way they are. I want a change, but to change all in 6 weeks feels a tad uncomfortable.

We'll have to wait and see.

One thing I will do is actually get to know people I don't work with. My social life at the moment revolves too much around the guys from work, and as much as I love them, they can be a bit of a handfull at times. Besides, constantly talking about work - I don't think so..

Current Mood: melancholy
Sunday, July 24th, 2005
10:51 am
Why are sundays so shite?
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Right - Sunday, bored. People from work keep dropping like flies; two quit on Friday, one announced that he might not return - and even if he does, I'm now in charge of his job, apparently. The bastard.

House still empty. Lisa will be back a week on Thursday, Evelyne..who knows? Need to get another job, can't be arsed.

Current Mood: blah
Sunday, July 17th, 2005
10:36 am
Sunday boredom
Both of the bloody flatmates are away until next month. I've finished reading the new Harry Potter (bloody brilliant, that Snape, isn't he.. :-P?). I've totally fed up with work but since I'm off by the end of the year I really don't see the point of upping and going (must hold..on..for..another..three..months... I'm hungry yet have decided to conduct a 10 day experiment with food (ie cutting this that and the other for this that and another) which prevents me from running downstaris to get a bagel or something.

Yes, I am bored once again. To quote 'The Young Ones', 'As the one guy said to the other guy when he was getting fed up, "I'm getting fed up." '.

Current Mood: bored
Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
3:25 pm
Monday, June 20th, 2005
11:47 pm
CRISIS - again..
Here’s something I posted to the Quarterlife Crisis- website forums today – slightly amended.

Today I’m 26. Lovely it is not. To quote ‘Black Books’ – ‘up with this I will not put’.

Around 25th birthday I went through a very bad patch – in a ‘proper’ job in finance, the first one of my old University friends to do so. Away in a lovely city. Not knowing what the hell was going on or what I was really wanting to do, what I wanted to be.
After realizing that I passionately hated the job, I quit the damn thing, and trained to work with prisoners. 9 months I’ve spent realizing that ‘Oz’ was a very accurate description of the life of prisoners’ (and seeing a colleague of mine get ‘shanked’ in front of my eyes) has been hard, but good – better that working as a broker and being miserable. Sure, the management in my company is incompetent and we act so under-resourced that it’s dangerous to go to work at times, but I guess that element of danger is what I like. The ‘unusuality’ of it all.

I’ve done a few things in my life from moving to another country, studying, being in the army, getting over my bloody irritating shyness. It’s not enough for me, but it’s been enough for now. I’m looking into doing a master’s degree/PhD eventually, getting further in my long-term career plan. Yeah, I’m still chronically single, but apparently that’s because I’m such a scary female, *lol*!
Being 25 was a big time for me, in regards to growing, becoming what I am today. A good age, in the end!

However, a week ago I had a class reunion (something I’ve mentioned before). My ‘lovely’ old classmates were there , all talking about their family and stable lives – something I don’t have, and really don’t want to have. I was quite shocked by it all – the people hadn’t really changed from school, yet I felt that I was such a different person.
We were discussing about the next class re-union in 10 years time, and boy has that thought launched a severe attack of QLC in me. What is it that I can do in 10 years that will strike them all dumb, impress them, ‘beat’ them?

I guess at the moment I’m in a situation where I really don’t know what I want right now. In the long term…yeah, I know where I want to be and how to get there. But I have realized that my life revolves around work too much. I’m 26, my old friends are raising their family and settling down on careers. Even though it’s not what I want to do, it makes me think I’m missing something. Something that’s different, but similar when it comes to the ‘value’ of things for me.

I feel stuck. I’m working, going home, going to the gym, sleeping. I have control over my life, yet it’s not going where I want it to be right now. I slave under incompetent leadership, and can’t enjoy the moment. I resent the fact that I have to ‘behave’, yet the one thing that grates my nerves is the constant stupidity of the people I work it.
I feel like how I represent myself doesn’t match who I am inside, how I behave isn’t really what I am. I don’t look like I feel I ought to look to fit into what I am – something that I am able to achieve if I put my mind to it (and stop dyeing my hair in weird colours, he he ). My image doesn’t fit!

The problem is – I don’t really know who I am. Not anymore. I don’t know what I want from relationships, from my personal life.

Career-wise, it’s all clear. I know the career options I have. The path I want to take, I’m looking into doing post-graduate studies to get career opportunities. My fucking like is my fucking career and vice versa. It’s all been that, for as long as I can remember.

Personal life – I don’t know. I am slowly approaching a point where I think I would like a relationship – but with who, I don’t know. I’ve had a semi-close relationship with someone for a while now. During this holiday I’ve realized that it will never work, and I don’t want it to move anywhere nearer to anything more serious. Au contraire, I want to act cool around this person, to make sure they know I don’t give a fuck about what they’re doing. I’m sick of having to approve everything this person does, of giving opinions, of disapproving, advising and telling them how to do things.
I want a relationship where I can be myself without feeling suffocated. I want to be with someone just because I want to and they want to – no obligations, no dependance’.

So – at 26, I solemnly swear that I will become the person I think I am. I will change my image, how I do things, how I see things. Discipline will be my middle name – I will succeed.

Current Mood: annoyed
Sunday, June 19th, 2005
11:10 pm
Bored, bored, bored, bored, bored..
random stuff - a few thoughts about nowt, and a survey. God I'm so fucking entertaining.

Has a class re-union a week ago – why oh why were they all so bloody boring?! I mean, honestly, you’d think that people would grow up in 10 years, but NO, they were all the same, making the whole bloody thing really hard for everyone involved.
A lot of stuff has happened to me after school, so I just felt odd being there, when the vast majority was still as arrogant and juvenile as ever. And these people have children, for fuck’s sake!
Don’t even want to think about it at the moment, feel so bloody annoyed..

Went to see some relatives today – it’s all baby talk with them at the moment. Babies – OK. Babies that people try to make me cuddle/feed/hold – BAAAD. So all the same discussions went round as before. ‘How’s England?’ (I like in Scotland). ‘You’ll have kids soon..’ (err..not before I’m 30, I suspect – or a chief inspector with the police and the supreme Goddess of InterPol). ‘How’s the love life?’ (the only male I’m even remotely romantically involved with at the moment will be getting a punch in the mouth and a solemn promise from me that I will not have anything to do with him, in a matter of days – and I don’t have a girlfriend, either).

Here I am, 26 in a matter of hours. And my life feels like a constant judgement day with incompetent management and people that annoy me – every single fucking day of my life.
Or it all could be because I have PMS – how that fuck should I know.


B a S i c . I n F o

[Name] Jo
[Age] 25 – 26 tomorrow, actually
[Location] Edinburgh, UK
[Sign] Gemini, rising Leo
[Birthday]June 20th
[Hair Color] brown
[Eye Color] green
[Hair Style] shoulder lenght

A r E . Y o U _ ?
[Racist] unintentionally, probably. Or not racist, just..doubtful. Of suprising groups (like my own nationality :-P!)
[Funny] apparently so, which is worrying, since I don’t intend to be!
[Depressed] chronically – or rather, manically pissed-off
[Weird] so people tell me. Fuck them and their opinions!
[Lazy] if given the chance
[Romantic] good God, no!
[Serious] too serious
[Smart] I have a measured I.Q that is not bad…so, yeah.
[In love] nah, no matter how many people suspect that I am.
[Hyper] not at the moment, no
[Moody] oh yeah
[Religious] I have my beliefs, but I’m not religious as such.
[Playful] depends on who I’m with, and how much I’ve had to drink :-p!
[Experienced] depends on what you're referring to
[Emotional] nope – I seem to be quite emotionally cold, or so I’m told.
[Tolerant] I try to be, and I usually succeed

H o W . D o . Y o U . F e E l. A b O u T ?
[Abortion] pro-choice
[Gay marriage] equal rights
[Love] overrated
[War with Iraq] what actually were the motives, huh?! My ex was nearly sent to Iraq, so I have my views on this..
[Sex before marriage] as long as both parties consent
[Online Dating] if that’s your thing
[Reality tv] as long as there’s controversy and cosmetic surgery involved, bring it on :-D!

R e L a T i O n S h I p Z
[Single or taken] single, insofar as I am concerned
[Since when?] Uh…can I avoid this question (tricky…)
[Boyfriend/girlfriend/crush] constant crushes!!
[Best Friend] don’t have one, love ‘em all. Veera and Johanna come to mind – old friends re-united!
[Four other friends] Sandra, Satu, Evelyne, Lisa
[Worst Enemy] Everyone else, heh
[Siblings] none
[Do you get along with your parents?] yes, but I increasingly feel that I’m a completely different entity nowadays

W h O ?
[Is the smartest?] me, ofcourse
[Is the dumbest?] I could name a few ‘celebrities’ here… or one of my managers (no names, but he’s ‘unusual’)
[Is the funniest?] Aaron from work
[Is the nicest?] Johanna
[Is the meanest?] me, naturally
[Do you envy?] anyone who’s not doing my fucking job and who doesn’t have to deal with my managers
[Would you trade lives with?] myself, in a few years time! Other than that, no-one.
[Would you die for?] my loved ones.
[Would you kill?] oh, too many names are popping up here..

F a V o R i T e Z
[Movie] Shallow Grace, Full Metal Jacket
[TV show] Green Wing, Dr Who, Spaced
[Five Bands] UB40, Depeche Mode, Pet Shop Boys, the Smiths, the Communards
[Five songs] Disenchanted by the Communards; Home by Depeche Mode; How Soon Is Now by the Smiths; The Kind Of Day I’ve Had by the Dum Dums; Hold That Sucker Down by QT Quartet
[Food] tuna-and-rice casserole
[Color] black, purple
[Word] bastard
[Activity] running away
[Sport] aerobics, anything that involves using something to hit something/-one else
[Holiday] Christmas
[Animal] cat, ferret

D o . Y o U ?
[Like to shop] not particularly
[Wear makeup] I do, yeah, sometimes
[Do homework] not anymore
[Make money] I do, but not enough
[Want to die] very rarely
[Have a job] have one, don’t really care for it
[Like to sew] no
[Like to cook] no
[Go in chat rooms] no
[Get easily attached] to what, exactly?
[Get tired of these questions] no


H a V e . Y o U . E v E r ?
[Been out of America] I’ve never been IN America…
[Gone out with someone for over a year] Let me count…no
[Danced in the rain] don’t think so..wait..I have
[Made out in the rain] nope
[Had sex] duh
[Had oral sex] double-duh.
[Had anal sex] triple duh. None of your business
[Played video games for over 4 hours straight] no
[Gone out with somebody for their reputation or looks] no
[Skinny dipped] no
[Gone streaking] no, but I’ve witness it too many times
[Dyed your hair] since I was 13..every now and then, though.
[broken a promise] of course
[gotten in a fight] it’s nearly an everyday occurrence
[gotten suspended] nope – not even detention for this lady!
[cried at a funeral] no
[cried over a guy/girl] God yeah – that ex that nearly got sent to Iraq..that day he told me he might go…still gets to me.

Y o U r . P a S t
[What do you remember most in your whole life?] Err..the first days in the army, actually.
[In the past year?] getting assaulted
[Name everyone who has changed your life] too many to say, but I rate Dan, my old boss, really high
[Name everyone you ever loved] the family, the friends, plus Gary, ‘Jay’ and Ian+Jess (can’t split ‘em up!)
[Who did you lose touch with?] some old mates, Ian, Wally
[Who do you wish you still talked to?] Ian, Wally
[Scariest moment?] my whole fucking childhood in school
[Happiest moment?] leaving school
[Most sad time?] being in school, especially in between 9 and 15 yrs of age.
[Did you like your childhood?] bits of it – mostly it was either a pain or dull.
[Are your real parents still together?] they are indeed
[What do you regret?] not having willpower
[If you could change one thing about you past, what would it be?] give a few people a beating :-P! be more determined..

Current Mood: bored
Sunday, May 29th, 2005
7:57 pm
Boredom reigns


Sunday night. My flatmate has her not-quite-boyfriend-boyfriend over, my other flatmate is doing her cleaning the loo-routine, and I can't be bothered with anything at the moment.

Trying to find a flat in Liverpool, to get a job in Liverpool, to get something sorted out. Work is a sore point at the moment, with my unstable relationship with one colleague and my attraction to some people that I see everyday that's getting a bit too distracting for comfort.

Need to get out, to get away. Duh.

Current Mood: blank
Sunday, March 13th, 2005
7:04 pm
Self-awareness is not a good thing
I have to stop watching my flatmates 'Sex and the City' DVD, or I'll just go completely insane.
I have just waken up to the realization, that if I'd tell someone at work that I've been watching the series in question, they'd never believe me, because it's 'so girlie' and, I quote, 'you're not a real girl'.

Now - what is it that makes a female a female? Should I stop understanding dirty jokes, and telling them back? Should I permanently start wearing a skirt and heels, giggle like an brainless bimbo and pretend to be helpless. Should I quit my job and take on something more feminine as a way to make my living?
It's all annoying me very much at the moment. Yeah, the guys take me seriously because I don't do the whole bimbo thing, and I feel great for not having to pretend to be something I'm not, but ultimately, it's not good enough for them.
Let me get something straight - I have serious issues about commitment and relationships. Yeah, I recognize that I am very self-obsessed, put my jhob, my stuff first, and whould be a total nightmare to date because I am pretty much a control freak when it comes to my life. However, seeing as every guy I meet sees me as a 'good bloke', I think I haven't even been given a chance to fuck it all up myself. And that's depressing. I don't know if men around here have problems dealing with someone who can probably be describes, in fashionable terms, and alpha female, maybe because of a lack of self-confidence, but it's damn sure I don't want to compromise with who I am and having a relationship.


And speaking of strong women..
Pic of Sara
You're Sara. Tough chick with a secret vunerable
side that you don't like people to see.


Which CSI are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Calleigh
You're Calleigh "Bullet Girl" Duquesne


What CSI: Miami character are you?
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Current Mood: irritated
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